Over the years I have come to the conclusion that as a feminist and a survivor of various amounts of assault, I had a lot of growing to do as a person. I made some mistakes that I would not make now since I completely asstered myself with the label feminist. Especially as it comes to the survivors of rape, assault and other male orientatied attacks.
But one of them stood out. An assault on my friend in my own house and the two friends who I thought were lovely who ended up rearing their ugly misogynistic heads.
I have to warn you that this might be triggering to some. I am not going into the details of my own personal attacks, but in this part the rhetoric that I had to deal with all my life, that it is the victims fault and not the attackers, you can see that it clearly effected me into not correcting victimblaming behaviours. Also, what happened with my friend after the attack because of all that might be a bit triggering as well.
It was new years eve, and my friend was here, and we also invited some other people. Some would come after the fireworks, one came before. I did not know him too well, met him once. She met him a few times and yes had sex with him on one occasion. It was pretty much all good.
Soon his behaviour started to become weirder and weirder, and what triggered that, I still do not know. What I do know it is that it made things tense. A long story short, when I was outside smoking, I did that back then, he assaulted her, and stopped when I got back in there. We did not seem to be able to get him to leave, and she was very adement that she wanted him to go, as was I. So we asked the friends to make him leave. I did not know what happened there, I only saw a glimpse of her pushing him off on the couch, but had not made the connection.
Tip: When you had sex with someone, they do not have automatic rights to your body whenever they please from that point out. Consent should always be re-established and you are always in your right to say no and have that respected. You can even say no during sex, and the person has to stop. Always. In relationships or marriages, same. No is no and always will be.
A few days later, she told me and we pondered over what to do. She wanted to do something with it. I was not so sure, because of all the things I heard about it not helping and so on. But I wanted to support her no matter what.
Tip: Always go to the police becayse people who do nothing about it, tend to regret that later on. Especially when the chance of more victims occur.
We ended up contacting the 2 male friends. But what happened next, I was not prepared for. They blamed us. First it was me talking to one of them and he was all that we should not have invited him, a stranger into my house.
Tip: You don't have to assume that a man in your house is going to harm you, a man should always be able to control himself. His lack or behaviour is not your responsibility. You invite who you are comfortable with and trust enough. Do not always assume the worse, or that men are beasts with uncontrollable urges.
I did not say that though. Or reminded him of all the people that were in my house only a few times after we met and managed not to assault me or anyone else, including him. No I said I did not trust him to begin with, but did her, and that was so wrong of me to say. Should not have thrown her in front of the bus. But I had a crush on this particular one and I did nothing. p.s. I say hi to him when I see him and like him as a person in general, but we have no real contact anymore, and I would not want to date him ever after I realized all this.
He even said that they once had sex, what did she expect, that he did not want to try again since he got it the first time (Remember what I said? No means no and should always be respected). Well they, the boys would rather not be involved in this, but if needed would testify although it would not be in our favor perse. They wanted to talk to her first.
I made the biggest mistake right then. I said I would talk to her. I gave them a platform, in a way. I let them close to her, and that was not okay. But I honestly believed it might help things along. I talked to please them and that was wrong and I will always regret that.
Tip: If you can avoid it, do not let rape apologists, victim blamers, or other people who have misogynistic tendencies, however well meaning they may be, near your friend after such experience.
I still can not remember precisely what was said in that conversation. She probably does. But she probably also remember my long long silence. There was a moment though, when I opened my mouth finally. Too late, but very clear. But way too late. When they talked AGAIN about the effect it had on people accused of such crimes and how it all would harm him.
Tip: Empathisizing more with the assaulter than the assaulted is an issue. Seeing the harm for them, even though they did that stuff, and not for the victim who was basically robbed of so many securities in their life and just... no it was not okay and is not okay to forget to see what happened to the victim.
And that point, I finally said that it was his own fault and he should not have done it, and that this all was about her, and not about him. He should not have done it if he did not want to bare any consequences.
We ended up going to the police, with another friend of her present, who was better at being a friend then than I was. We talked and we ended up just making a note at the police. Not having the hazzle of all of it, I back then thought would harm her more. But knowing if it happened again, she would get called back and could change it into a regular charge against him.
There was some other things that happened, like that we ended up making things public and telling other people and I helped her with that. The male friends thought we were provoking of course, and told us we ought to leave the poor boy alone. But we did not, and finally I helped how I could.
She is still my friend now and I am very grateful for that. But I will never forget, that at that moment, I could have been a better friend. I truly hope you learn from me, and never do the same that I did then. I promise you, if you ever get to me with a problem like this, and I hope you never will, I will be a better person about it.
But one of them stood out. An assault on my friend in my own house and the two friends who I thought were lovely who ended up rearing their ugly misogynistic heads.
I have to warn you that this might be triggering to some. I am not going into the details of my own personal attacks, but in this part the rhetoric that I had to deal with all my life, that it is the victims fault and not the attackers, you can see that it clearly effected me into not correcting victimblaming behaviours. Also, what happened with my friend after the attack because of all that might be a bit triggering as well.
It was new years eve, and my friend was here, and we also invited some other people. Some would come after the fireworks, one came before. I did not know him too well, met him once. She met him a few times and yes had sex with him on one occasion. It was pretty much all good.
Soon his behaviour started to become weirder and weirder, and what triggered that, I still do not know. What I do know it is that it made things tense. A long story short, when I was outside smoking, I did that back then, he assaulted her, and stopped when I got back in there. We did not seem to be able to get him to leave, and she was very adement that she wanted him to go, as was I. So we asked the friends to make him leave. I did not know what happened there, I only saw a glimpse of her pushing him off on the couch, but had not made the connection.
Tip: When you had sex with someone, they do not have automatic rights to your body whenever they please from that point out. Consent should always be re-established and you are always in your right to say no and have that respected. You can even say no during sex, and the person has to stop. Always. In relationships or marriages, same. No is no and always will be.
A few days later, she told me and we pondered over what to do. She wanted to do something with it. I was not so sure, because of all the things I heard about it not helping and so on. But I wanted to support her no matter what.
Tip: Always go to the police becayse people who do nothing about it, tend to regret that later on. Especially when the chance of more victims occur.
We ended up contacting the 2 male friends. But what happened next, I was not prepared for. They blamed us. First it was me talking to one of them and he was all that we should not have invited him, a stranger into my house.
Tip: You don't have to assume that a man in your house is going to harm you, a man should always be able to control himself. His lack or behaviour is not your responsibility. You invite who you are comfortable with and trust enough. Do not always assume the worse, or that men are beasts with uncontrollable urges.
I did not say that though. Or reminded him of all the people that were in my house only a few times after we met and managed not to assault me or anyone else, including him. No I said I did not trust him to begin with, but did her, and that was so wrong of me to say. Should not have thrown her in front of the bus. But I had a crush on this particular one and I did nothing. p.s. I say hi to him when I see him and like him as a person in general, but we have no real contact anymore, and I would not want to date him ever after I realized all this.
He even said that they once had sex, what did she expect, that he did not want to try again since he got it the first time (Remember what I said? No means no and should always be respected). Well they, the boys would rather not be involved in this, but if needed would testify although it would not be in our favor perse. They wanted to talk to her first.
I made the biggest mistake right then. I said I would talk to her. I gave them a platform, in a way. I let them close to her, and that was not okay. But I honestly believed it might help things along. I talked to please them and that was wrong and I will always regret that.
Tip: If you can avoid it, do not let rape apologists, victim blamers, or other people who have misogynistic tendencies, however well meaning they may be, near your friend after such experience.
I still can not remember precisely what was said in that conversation. She probably does. But she probably also remember my long long silence. There was a moment though, when I opened my mouth finally. Too late, but very clear. But way too late. When they talked AGAIN about the effect it had on people accused of such crimes and how it all would harm him.
Tip: Empathisizing more with the assaulter than the assaulted is an issue. Seeing the harm for them, even though they did that stuff, and not for the victim who was basically robbed of so many securities in their life and just... no it was not okay and is not okay to forget to see what happened to the victim.
And that point, I finally said that it was his own fault and he should not have done it, and that this all was about her, and not about him. He should not have done it if he did not want to bare any consequences.
We ended up going to the police, with another friend of her present, who was better at being a friend then than I was. We talked and we ended up just making a note at the police. Not having the hazzle of all of it, I back then thought would harm her more. But knowing if it happened again, she would get called back and could change it into a regular charge against him.
There was some other things that happened, like that we ended up making things public and telling other people and I helped her with that. The male friends thought we were provoking of course, and told us we ought to leave the poor boy alone. But we did not, and finally I helped how I could.
She is still my friend now and I am very grateful for that. But I will never forget, that at that moment, I could have been a better friend. I truly hope you learn from me, and never do the same that I did then. I promise you, if you ever get to me with a problem like this, and I hope you never will, I will be a better person about it.
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